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| 09:18am 15/06/2004 |
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I. Am. In. China.
and it's amazing but I have absolutely no time so I will write about it later. probably when I'm back at home. cheers. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| "finished" version |
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| 04:03pm 24/05/2004 |
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(I'll probably work on the story some more (it needs more space!!!) but this is the "essay" with a 600 word limit I handed in)
When I was a little girl, still crawling among giants, my mother left to explore greatness. Or so I was told. I grew up clinging to imagined memories of dark hair, freckles, and a fiery heart that would understand my own. My father guided me through life but he could not guide me through my dreams. At night I searched for my mother in the chaos of endless possibility. Every night held a journey too great to travel after dawn when I returned to the body of a pale girl, raw and naïve.
At first I explored the great mythologies. I sat next to the Buddha for hundreds of years without enlightenment. I questioned Gilgamesh, “he who has seen everything,” without receiving an answer. I accompanied Odyssey to the Netherworld, drank wine with the gods, and played poker with the devil, an old man of much wisdom but no strength for truth.
The modern writers did not hold the answer either. I knew I had to search farther than the human mind.
I traveled back in time, to the most distant stars and beyond, dissembling into amino acids, molecules, atoms. I was sucked into a supernova explosion that had spit me out billions of years ago. Just before encountering the beginning of the universe I was pulled back home as the sun was approaching the horizon, ready to shed its light onto the world in order to hide the truth. I am saying this as if there is only one truth. I cannot say it with any certainty though. Experience suggests multiple truths in a single story.
Where do you search for your past, your origin, after the expulsion from the womb has severed all ties? After everything has been spreading apart for billions of years?
On my search I have ridden meteoroids on their crash course with our atmosphere and witnessed asteroids debate the right time for human extinction. I have traveled in the highly eccentric orbits of comets; have bathed as dust in their tails. Vaporized. Left behind.
I have stood on the earth for millions of years, watching continents break apart and collide. How am I supposed to know where I belong when even the continents are uncertain? I am pulled in an orbit around the black hole at the center of our galaxy, yet her force is not strong enough to embrace me completely.
Mother, I cry, do you hear me? Why won’t you claim me?
I learned the tongue of the Hopi Indians, a language without tenses for past, present, and future in order to understand the meaning of time. To be able to take the day she left and make it disappear. If she were to leave tomorrow would I be able to stop her? I don’t know, but if she were to leave tomorrow, I would prefer to live on Venus.
I have journeyed through the knowledge of human kind, unable to find what I am looking for. Maybe knowledge is not what I need. Maybe it is the journey I crave. The possibility of truth and the ever-forking paths that promise to lead me there. Maybe I am forever destined to wander outside this claustrophobic reality, never able to attain indifference. For I am hers forever, inhaling the ever-changing stories she left me to discover. |
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| work in progress |
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| 03:35pm 19/05/2004 |
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When I was a little girl, still crawling among giants, my mother left to explore greatness. Or so I was told. I grew up clinging to imagined memories of dark hair, freckles, and a fiery heart that would understand my own. My father guided me through life but he could not guide me through my dreams. At night I searched for my mother in the chaos of endless possibility. Every night held a journey too great to travel after dawn when I returned to the body of a pale girl, raw and naïve.
At first I explored the great mythologies. I sat next to the Buddha for hundreds of years without enlightenment. I questioned Gilgamesh, “he who has seen everything,” without receiving an answer. I accompanied Odyssey to the Netherworld, drank wine with the gods, and played poker with the devil, an old man of much wisdom but no strength for truth.
The modern writers did not hold the answer either. I knew I had to search farther than the human mind.
I traveled back in time, to the most distant stars and beyond, dissembling into amino acids, molecules, atoms. I was sucked into a supernova explosion that had spit me out billions of years ago. Just before encountering the beginning of the universe I was pulled back home as the sun was approaching the horizon, ready to shed its light onto the world in order to hide the truth. I am saying this as if there is only one truth. But I am just a young girl, I do not know any better.
Where do you search for your past, your origin, after the expulsion from the womb has severed all ties? |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Elsewhere (Sarah McLachlan) |
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| 11:09pm 16/05/2004 |
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I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand... |
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| 04:30pm 16/05/2004 |
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From the wooden frame above where the gunpowder waits there are also suspended a number of nets and trapezes. From here acrobats swing over the square, casting grotesque shadows on the dancers below. Now and again, one will dangle by the knees and snatch a kiss from whoever is standing below. I like such kisses. They fill the mouth and leave the body free. To kiss well one must kiss soley. No groping hands or stammering hearts. The lips and the lips alone are the pleasure. Passion is sweeter split strand by strand. Divided and re-divided like mercury then gathered up only at the last moment.
- Jeanette Winterson, The Passion |
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| 01:55pm 10/05/2004 |
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"Words ought to be a little wild, for they are the assault of thoughts on the unthinking."
-- John M. Keynes |
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| 01:54pm 10/05/2004 |
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"Writing saved me from the sin and inconvenience of violence."
-- Alice Walker |
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| Adrienne Rich |
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| 06:58pm 02/05/2004 |
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Stripped
you're beginning to float free
up through the smoke of bushfires
and incinerators
the unleafed branches won't hold you
nor the radar aerials
You're what the autumn knew would happen
after the last collapse
of primary colour
once the last absolutes were torn to pieces
you could begin
How you broke open, what sheathed you
until this moment
I know nothing about it
my ignorance of you amazes me
now that I watch you
starting to give yourself
away to the wind |
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| 03:19pm 29/04/2004 |
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I like not knowing what I want to do with my life. It used to scare me. But then I realized that knowing what you will be doing 10, 20 years from now is far more scary. It's like seeing yourself fall into mediocrity. A family, a crappy job, all creative forces suffocated by stress and exhaution. Adultery maybe? Or just dreams of an alternate reality.
I am very pessimistic today cause I have to start to make decisions. DO I really want to study medicine or should take on my dreams and go to film school, trying to convince my brother that he really wants to support me for the rest of his life.
My dreams don't add up to reality so I prefer to be ignorant.
nap time |
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Read 10 - Post |
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| IM conversation |
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| 09:41pm 28/04/2004 |
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Me: Is that busy sign supposed to tell me that there is something more important than me????
F: Of course not. It is supposed to tell others that you are more important than them. |
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| Still remember me? |
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| 11:34pm 11/04/2004 |
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I cannot believe that it has been this long! I really hate not having internet at home. No excuses not to do homework . . . and I missed all of you guys. Life's been pretty crazy. I wouldn't even know where to start so I won't even try to sum it all up. The important thing is I AM GOING TO CHINA IN JUNE FOR A WHOLE MONTH! and then (hopefully! Please keep your fingers crossed for me) I will be working there next year. I am so excited. And terrified. Graduation definitly has its downsides, the whole dealing with reality thing would be one of them. But then again i can't wait to get out of here. Out of the bubble.
I am actually supposed to be writing a final paper that's due tomorrow, so I better get back to that. I'll be back soon though, I promise!
much love! |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| 06:13am 19/12/2003 |
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Well, I'm going to have Internet for 3 weeks while I spend my Christmas break with my family doing nothing but baking cookies and reading Kafka (also I#m also trying to get through much of Joyce . . . ). I got in Yesterday and my sleeping schedule is all fucked. I was actually excited about being tired at midnight and went to sleep around 1 or so. I woke up again at 4:30 and - even though I feel really exhausted - can't go back to sleep. I want to make spinach lasagna for lunch but I can´'t find a reipe and I suck at cooking so don't eveb´n try to tellme to improvise!
I missed livejournal. It's amazingly self-involved and narcissistic and we all need that, don't we?!
Missed you all, especially all the beautiful girls out there! |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 08:43pm 24/08/2003 |
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I'm leaving in two days to return to Montreal. Not quite sure whether I am happy or sad about that. As a boring a place as this is, it kinda grows on you after a while.
I have to pack. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| 11:25am 12/08/2003 |
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My realtionships usually end when I find someone I‘d rather have sex with. I am still young. I am allowed. I have been called ruthless but I don't think that‘s the right expression. I just don‘t drag endings along in the mud. I am selective. They have to kiss well. And I get bored easily. Who would have thought. I like my lovers to be strong-willed yet shy. It‘s that mixture that makes me go crazy. I also like the insane ones. The ones who surprise me. And especially the ones who can make me laugh.
. . . I don't really know what this is. I wrote it last night. It decided that it can't be about me because I drag out endings forever. I hate to let go. But I like the idea. Maybe the start of a short story? Will have to think about that. But I do kinda like the first sentence. Really like it. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 05:16pm 08/08/2003 |
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I just spent 1 1/2 hours cleaning the fridge and now I smell of rotten milk products :( |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 02:23pm 07/08/2003 |
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"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them can make me laugh. "
W. H. Auden |
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| I forgot. |
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| 12:06am 02/08/2003 |
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I'm also liking Ulla Hahn more and more. She's an amazing poet. She can make me cry. Unfortunately I can't find any acceptable English translations because I'd love to share her with all of you. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 11:55pm 01/08/2003 |
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Alright, I'm a bit tipsy right now so this is gonna be short and sweet. I'm reading the autobiography by Marianne Faithfull and it's so great! It's heartbreaking. And yet you somehow wish you could be her . . . she was friends with Allen Ginseberg, for Christ's sake!!! Alright, I know that all of you would find it more fascinating that she was with Mick Jagger and shit like that. But Allen Ginsberg is my idol. I'm jealous. And I need to sober up. |
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| 10:21am 21/07/2003 |
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I am going to Spain!
One week of nothing but beach, sun, and yummy cocktails await me.
Yes, you get to be jealous ;) |
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Read 13 - Post |
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annanna's journal